Flossing Those Hard to Reach Places

I'm going to let you in on a little parenting secret.  If you already have children past the baby stage, you've probably experienced this.  If not, well, consider yourself warned.

OK.  Imagine your future child at any point in childhood.  Toddler, grade school, high school, whatever.  Now, think of a few stupid things that kid might do.  Imagine the ways you will prevent those stupid things from happening and how your child will be raised properly in order to avoid such silly catastrophes.

Are you ready for this?  Whatever you just imagined will never happen.  So go ahead and think of some more really dumb things your future kid might do.  

Yeah, those things will never happen either.  The parenting secret you never hear about is this:  Your children will come up with bizarre antics you cannot possibly predict or prepare for.  All of the things you worry about will never happen.  Instead, completely different things you  never even dreamed of worrying about will sneak up on you and force you to question the sanity and intelligence of your offspring.   

Case in point:  One afternoon a few weeks ago as I enjoyed a quiet afternoon at home, the telephone rang.  Thanks to Caller ID, I knew it was our family dentist.  I also knew my mother-in-law, whom we call Nonni, had some dental work scheduled for that day and, perhaps, was too drugged to drive herself home.  As always, I was completely unprepared for the true nature of the phone call.  A transcript of our conversation follows:

Dr. Dentist:  Mrs. Psycho?  It's Dr. Dentist.  How are you?

Me:  I'm good, how are you?

Dr. Dentist:  Fine, fine!  You know, your mother-in-law was here today and said some things about Secondo that I want to talk to you about.

Me:  (caught off guard) Um...Secondo?  

Dr. Dentist:  Uh, yeah, Secondo.  It's probably fine, but Nonni said he told her he ate some dental floss.

Me:  (there's no way I actually heard what I thought I heard)  What?

Dr. Dentist:  Yeah, I guess Secondo had a full container of floss that he found on the counter and, well, decided to chew on it because it was minty and then he, um, ate it.

Me:  He ate it?  Actually swallowed it?  (My kid ate dental floss and I had no idea.  Parent of the Year?)

Dr. Dentist:  I don't know what it will do to him.  If he swallowed it all in one big blob, it might stay that way and just, you know, pass.

Me:  Ooookaaaayyyy...  

Dr. Dentist:  But if it came unraveled in his stomach or, you know, on the way down, it might not come out all at once.

Me:  (unpleasant mental image)

Dr. Dentist:  You might want to talk to Secondo to make sure if, you know, some of the floss comes out he doesn't, um, pull on it.

Me: (flashback of what once happened when our very grumpy, tailless calico cat ate a bunch of yarn)

Dr. Dentist:  (clearly extremely embarrassed now)  Yeah, so, I guess if that happens and only, um, part of the floss comes out, you should call the doctor and see, um, if there's something they can do.  But you know, I just want to make sure Secondo doesn't tug on the floss because that might, um, damage something.

Me:  Yeah, that might be pretty bad.  (gagging)

Dr. Dentist:  (nervous laugh)  I never thought I'd have to make a phone call like this.

Me:  I never thought I'd get a phone call like this!  

After a few more awkward laughs (there really is no smooth way to end a phone call about dental floss emerging from your child's butt), we both hung up.  I was home alone and actually blushing from that ridiculous conversation.  Then, the Mom Mind kicked into overdrive.

See, when you become a Mom a part of your brain becomes irrational, paranoid, and extremely loud.  It doesn't matter how rational, smart, and calm you are before you have kids.  There's no escaping the Mom Mind, which insists a child not immediately within your line of vision is being kidnapped.  The Mom Mind thinks a skinned knee could be fatal, a fever is spinal meningitis, a rash is an antibiotic-resistant staph infection, and a school bus more than five minutes late has crashed and killed everyone on board.


I usually attempt to ignore the Mom Mind and only listen to the rational part of my brain that quietly reminds me I'm not living in an episode of ER or Law and Order SVU.  I told myself to wait until Secondo came home from school so I could ask him about the dental floss before calling the pediatrician.


But wait.  What if, right at that very moment, Secondo happened to be using the bathroom at school and happened to notice something odd?  What if he had dental floss hanging out of his rear end and tugged on it a bit too hard?  

Shut up Mom Mind!  That's totally not even possible!


When Secondo got home from school, I asked him about the dental floss.  I said, "Dr. Dentist called because he was worried when Nonni told him you ate an entire roll of dental floss."  


Secondo looked at me like I was out of my mind.  He said, "I didn't EAT the dental floss!  I just sucked all the minty flavor off and then spit it in the garbage.  Who would eat dental floss?!  That's crazy."  


I am so glad I didn't call the pediatrician or the school nurse.

My Son, the Art Prodigy

First of all, I thought about apologizing for neglecting this blog for so very long, but whatever.  I think we can all accept the fact that I'm a lazy slacking procrastinator so let's move on and get to this latest installment of the psycho.

My baby, my Terzo, my adorable little boy with the long, curly, surfer dude hair and drama queen tendencies has turned out to be an art prodigy.  Given his father's artistic talents, this is hardly surprising.  And like all true artists, Terzo pushes boundaries with his work, defying conventions and shattering all preconceived notions about the subject matter of childhood art.  Terzo's astounding gift first appeared when, at the tender age of four, he proudly handed me this drawing:

Clearly, this is the work of an astounding mind.  Let's dissect the symbolism here, shall we?  The two headed dragon (obviously a dragon and not a dinosaur, because the tail has a point at the end) represents Life.  Life is big and vomiting hot lava on the tiny, agonized people below. You could also interpret this as Life greedily sucking the blood, or will to continue living, from the tiny sad people with wings on their heads.  Or pigtails.  Whatever.  The point is, during the period of his life when Terzo created this piece, he had a lot of turbulence.  The stress of attending preschool, not always getting chocolate chip waffles for breakfast, and finally being forced to dress himself clearly made Terzo think about the human condition.

A year or so later, Terzo produced another work in honor of Mother's Day.  Traditionally, children choose subjects such as hearts, smiley faces, or flowers for Mother's Day art.  Not content to confine himself to such stereotypes, Terzo instead chose to take his love for me in another direction entirely.

Yes, his name is hidden for his own protection.  The last thing I need is some crazed art fan kidnapping my prodigy before I get him on the Today Show.  Anyway, this piece is titled Mother's Day Vampire with Unibrow.  Obviously, a nod to Frida Kahlo.  Being five years old is difficult.  Making the transition to kindergarten where the crowds of adoring little girls only got bigger (not to mention the pressure of having the teacher wrapped firmly around his little finger) caused a level of stress that Terzo could only express through his art.  Mother's Day Vampire with Unibrow, like the earlier dragon work, speaks to us about the draining drudgery of day to day life.  Or maybe it means, "Mom, when you forget to buy chocolate chip waffles you are draining me of the will to live." 

Terzo turned six this past year and, as his recent art demonstrates, has clearly matured.  His work explores new themes and invokes visceral reactions from his audience (i.e. his siblings and parents).  The sensitive nature of his latest pieces turned him inward with reflection.  His new-found maturity is shy, causing him to hide his work until he feels his audience is emotionally ready to absorb his latest message.  In other words, he folds his drawings up really, really small and tapes them into little envelopes and hides them from his mother.  Because true art must be revealed to the world, it is my sacred duty to wait until he's asleep, sneak into his room, scan his drawings into the computer, and share them with all of you.  Be warned, this type of high art is only for the truly cultured to appreciate.

This nearly monochromatic human study is titled Hermaphrodite with Weapons.  Or maybe it's a portrait of Ke$ha, I'm not really sure.  Doesn't she call herself "hot and dangerous" in one of her songs?  Um, not that I listen to Ke$ha...  Anyway.  Hermaphrodite with Weapons addresses issues of body image.  This person is portrayed as being very happy to be naked, armed with a gun and a big sword, perky boobs, and testicles sticking out of his/her hips.  He/She isn't only happy, but proclaims to the world, "I'm hot!"  Terzo's work tells us to love ourselves no matter how oddly proportioned our privates may be.  So what if your arms look like flippers and one of your eyes is half the size of the other?  Put a smile on your face and brandish your guns proudly!

Finally, I submit this last work for your artistic consideration, simply titled Nude Kid.   Although Terzo also hid this work in a tiny, homemade envelope, I feel it is important for the world to be exposed to this kind of raw genius.

Now, there appears to be several things happening.  At first glance, it looks like a naked kid with an albino penis is peeing on the floor.  His neck might be growing out of his torso, but his nipples are giving off rays like the sun so he's very happy.  The splash of color here really draws the eye, although the small evil face under the bed (birthday cake?  sink?  what the heck is that?) to the left is rather unsettling.  This work clearly means something unpleasant is always lurking nearby, ready to squash our joyful outpourings. 

I am taking offers from serious collectors wanting to purchase an original Terzo.  His best work must remain with us as part of his portfolio for applying to art school, but because it's only a matter of time before the school psychologist misunderstands my precious prodigy, any future sales of his artwork will be placed into a therapy fund.