Friday, May 31, 2013

Birds, Bees, and Target Practice

A few months ago, Secondo and Terzo developed the awful habit of using the phrase "making out."  They found these words hilarious and could not understand why they got into trouble when we overheard them speaking to each other about making out with hot babes.

One day, Mr. Psycho heard Terzo accuse Secondo of wanting to make out with me.  His mother.  Mr. Psycho sat both boys down and said to them, "Do you know what making out means?"  The boys sheepishly admitted they weren't sure what was involved in making out but that it seemed to involve kissing.  Mr. Psycho put it very bluntly.  "Making out is when you stick your tongue in someone's mouth."

Secondo and Terzo haven't mentioned making out since.

Unfortunately, not long after this they picked up the term "having sex."  This is why I am starting to suspect it doesn't matter how careful we are about what they watch on TV; they hear so much worse at school and on the bus.  We might as well let them watch Cinemax in the middle of the night.

We responded to the boys' references to sex with requests to stop being inappropriate, taking away access to electronic entertainment, grounding, yelling, and abject begging.  When little boys find something uproariously funny, however, I am convinced no amount of torture can squash the giggles out of them.

Then, I had an epiphany.  If they found the idea of sticking a tongue in someone's mouth so horrifying that they stopped using the term making out, learning what sex is would totally cure them of ever talking about it again!  At least until puberty.

Because they all share the same equipment, it became Mr. Psycho's job to sit the boys down and explain to them exactly what sex is and why it's inappropriate for them to laugh about it constantly.  Because, you know, mature adults certainly aren't preoccupied by the subject of sex.  Right? 

So Mr. Psycho sat down with Secondo and Terzo and briefly outlined the mechanics of sex between man and woman.  I wisely kept myself out of the room for this so as to avoid confusing the issue with too much giggling but at one point had to walk through the living room on my way to the laundry room.  I heard Mr. Psycho explain the following to the boys:

"You know those symbols for male and female?  They represent the difference between boys and girls.  The symbol for male is like an arrow and it represents the penis.  The female symbol represents the vagina."

This made me pause.  How is the scientific symbol for the female sex like a vagina?  Without even thinking, I asked Mr. Psycho, "How is that symbol like a vagina?"  He answered, "You know, because it looks like a target."

Unfortunately, I then set a horrible example by dissolving into a fit of uncontrollable laughing.  So much for showing Secondo and Terzo that sex is a serious subject requiring respect and maturity.