Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Pros and Cons of Italian DNA

Growing up in rural Indiana, I didn't know any Italian families.  In fact, I'm absolutely positive there aren't any Italian people in Indiana.  Lots of Olive Garden restaurants, but no actual Italian people anywhere in the state.  See, I can prove it:

It's no wonder I thought cannoli were disgusting until I arrived on the East Coast.  It's also no wonder I was totally unprepared for the way my non-Italian DNA would interact with my husband's Italian DNA when we had children.

Normally, when two people make a baby together, their DNA blends in a harmonious way to produce a child that has qualities and traits of both parents.  People look at the baby and say, "She has her daddy's eyes!"  Or, "He has his Mommy's nose!"  As the baby grows, his or her personality traits inspire the same reflections.  "Little Joey is stubborn like his daddy!"  Or, "Little Tommy has his mommy's flair for fashion!"  When an Italian person and a non-Italian person create a child, however, things are very different.  The non-Italian person needs to know up front that his or her DNA will not be represented in their child in any way, shape, or form.  The Italian DNA beats the other DNA into total and complete submission.  When the sperm and ovum unite, the DNA does not merge.  The Italian DNA kicks all other DNA right out of the zygote.

The non-Italian DNA doesn't stand a chance.  Look at my sad DNA up there, weeping as the Italian DNA kicks it out.  There goes the gene for red hair, the gene for being patient, and the gene for keeping your hands still while you speak.  The Italian DNA conquers every strand in the double helix, no exceptions!

Don't misunderstand me.  I'm not saying Italian DNA is bad, or that non-Italian people should avoid letting their sperm or eggs mingle with their Italian counterparts.  Marrying into an Italian family has fantastic perks.  Holidays and parties never get boring, the food is incredible, and the daily free entertainment is priceless.  I love all the aunts and uncles and cousins and wine.  I love my husband and I think our children will grow to be interesting and wonderful people even if his DNA killed all of my DNA.  I'll even go so far as to say that anyone who isn't Italian should try their damnedest to marry into an Italian family!

Well, I used to say that.  Now I have to adjust it a bit and say that anyone who isn't Italian should try their damnedest to marry into an Italian family that isn't from the Jersey Shore.

There are some risks no one should take.


  1. And yet Prima looks just like you...

  2. She's the exception that proves the rule, of course!

  3. Your pictures rock. And I love the blog title. I didn't even need your explanation.

    I'm totally nominating it for the Studio 30+ best blog title (that's where I found you from).

    Keep blogging!

  4. Wow, Alex, thanks!! You're my first total stranger follower and commenter, and this made my day!

  5. okay first of all, you sound very prejudice. second im sure there are italians in indiana. third italians can look like anything!! from blond hair to black hair to dark eyes to light eyes. and your biology is wrong, genetics of the mother usually affect this first born child. quit being arrogent. p.s, your picture of snooki, snooki is NOT italian, shes born and adopted from chile!

  6. Cam, thank you for being the first person to take my blog seriously. For some crazy reason, everyone else seems to think I am being sarcastic or wildly exaggerating!

  7. Alli-I'm sure there Italians in Indiana. If they are in West Virginia, Tennessee and Kentucky, they are certainly in the Hoosier state, especially since you have the Chicago area bordering your home state. In reality, the "rust belt" was a huge magnet for Italians during the industrial boom.

    I'm from the New Orleans area and there is a huge population of Italians there, descendants of immigrants who settled in the early 1900s. Folks tend to associate Louisiana with France, but there are also large numbers of other groups as well. I am black, but both grandmothers are children of Italian immigrants. My wife and I also visited Italy last year and I can't wait to go back.

  8. Again, thanks for taking my blog so seriously!